Home again, home again, jiggety jig.
2006-06-24
10:32 p.m.
The kids and I returned home yesterday, after six days in Louisiana. In the land that is hotter than the center of the sun.
My mom had a six-page list of things for me to do when I got there Sunday afternoon. I managed to do it all except for getting in touch with two people I needed to speak to about my brother's business. I actually did call them -- called them every day I was there, but they never returned my phone calls. My sighs on their answering machines got heavier as the week got longer.
The two hardest things I had to do were pick up my brother's death certificates at the funeral home and leave his prosthetic leg at the prosthesis place.
My brother didn't actually like that leg all that much, but it was very hard to leave it. I had carried it in the back of my van several days before I actually dropped it off, as it has been bothering my mom, seeing it in the house. I joked about it, even, carrying an extra leg around town with me...actually, I do have a leg to stand on. Ba dum dum. Okay, guess you had to be there. But leaving it at the prosthesis shop felt like I was giving part of him away, and that was very hard.
But I found a huge gift from my brother while I was there: A journal he had been writing in for the last six months of his life. He didn't write in it every day, but only when he felt like it, obviously. Several pages have newspaper articles attached, and even a few cartoons he found amusing. A lot of the entries talk about whatever book he was reading at the time and his thoughts on it. He wrote about our family members, how he felt about the politicians, whatever was on his mind.
I love it. I have still not read every page, though I have skimmed a lot of it. Today I have read more, and have read the articles he attached as well. I am savoring this book, and I love that it is in his handwriting.
There's a secret (secret and probably slightly arrogant) part of me that thinks he wrote this for me. I can't share it with my middle brother, as there are several pages that would truly hurt his feelings. My mom didn't read it, but gave me permission to take it and keep it. I can't imagine anything more personal of his I'd like to have than this journal.
He writes in several entries about a book he's reading called "Dandelion Wine," written by Ray Bradbury. I scoured his bookshelves looking for this book. Reading what he wrote made me want to find it and read it, and preferably his copy. I never did find it, but I've ordered it online tonight.
One discussion of that book led him to write this passage about his wife: "In 'Dandelion Wine' the relationship between William Forrester and Miss Helen Loomis is a strange love story that I felt I have lived. They were in love, but both born at the wrong time. I always felt that I should have met and married Fay earlier in my life. Fay always told me that she would die early. I always joked about it, not knowing it was true. Hopefully she is waiting for me before she comes back from the other side. Wait, Fay, I'm coming as fast as I can. God is not through with me yet. Maybe this will make sense to somebody some day or inspire them to accomplish more."
For those of you that knew my brother, you probably know what goose bumps that gave me when I read it. It still does.
One thing he has inspired me to do is try my hand at keeping a personal journal again. I've done it in the past, but would get aggravated at myself when I didn't take the time to write in it every day. He didn't write every day, and of course I don't value it any less. Like I said earlier, it is such a huge gift, and I hope I can remain true to my new resolve to write things for my kids to read one day.
Tonight I told Hubby while I always wished our dads could have seen our boys and enjoyed them, Mike did see them and really did get to enjoy them. He loved to hear stories about the latest funny things they had done or said. I have several funny things I'd like to tell him about in this month since he died, but I can't. I just miss him, and I feel so cheated that he's not there. I wasn't through with him, dammit.
Over and out.
2 comments so far Pattypat - 2006-06-25 15:12:18
What a wonderful gift you found from your brother. Dandelion Wine has always been my favorite book - since I first read it when I was 10 or 12. I try to reread it every year, and each time it means something different as I get older. I hope you will love it too.
-------------------------------
awittykitty - 2006-07-02 23:30:13
Diaries are interesting, I think, because they contain the unvarnished truth. I've been keeping one since I was 11. I'm glad you were able to find your brother's and keep a piece of him with you. Its a priceless memento.
-------------------------------