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I'm cracking up.

2006-10-18
6:32 p.m.

The kids missed the bus this morning, due to Oldest Son's hyperventilating while putting in his new contacts. I could have predicted this...I are psychic.

Today the puppies have only made three messes in the floor. Believe me, this is a huge improvement. I'm sure a lot of it had to do with the fact I sat outside with them so much today, though.

Kitten Queenie is home and well.

I had just finished that paragraph about the puppies when Youngest Son came and got me to tell me one of the puppies peed in the house. I really don't like the housetraining phase. Especially when you can't see a lot of headway, other than staying outside all the time, and I have other things to do besides that.

Tonight our way-behind neighbor's son came over to see the puppies. He's six years old and cute as a bug. Youngest Son and he play on the same soccer team, and they are adorable together. Youngest Son is blond and dimpled and Mark (the neighbor's son) is a super curly-headed brunette dimpled kid. Mark came riding over on his four-wheeler, something both of my boys yearn madly for.

Oldest Son rode over to Mark's 1/4-mile long driveway on his scooter, and the chain broke on it. He was not that far from home, but he sent Mark back to tell me his chain broke and I needed to come get him.

I could see OS trying to fix said chain in Mark's driveway, and I thought to myself, hmmmm, nope, I think he can push it home. Really, it's not far, and I think I see some lesson in there. I'm not sure what lesson, but I think there's one in there.

Anyway, as he's pushing it across the back of our next-door neighbor's yard, he trips over it and falls down. I watched him physically splatter and drape himself all over the neighbor's yard and start hollering. I watched him a minute or two before I finally hollered at him to get up and come on. Not angrily, just matter-of-factly, because this boy cries wolf loud and often and I've seen this show many, many times.

Well, that neighbor and the neighbor on the other side start walking towards him, so I figure I better go move him along. He's bellyaching how hurt he is to me till he sees them and then decides, oh, he's okay, he can get up. Can you see my eyes rolling from where you are?

Once we were back in our driveway he starts telling me how I don't care, and why didn't I come pick him up, and he hurt himself really bad, look!, as he points to a small cut. One band-aid more than took care of it.

Now this sort of fit -- and that's just what it is, a fit, a tantrum -- is Oldest Son's MO. I learned long ago not to fall for it. I know when I need to run and I know when I need to holler at him to get up.

Tonight he added to the show, though, and told me I wouldn't care if he died. I would just let him lay there and die and I didn't care. I'm used to routinely ignoring all this bullshit, although the letting him die comment is new -- or at least I don't remember it before. I usually let him vent a couple minutes and then tell him that's enough and for him to hush.

Granted this is a ten-year-old throwing a tantrum and not realizing the seriousness of his words, but tonight that just turned a knife in my heart. The thought of losing either one of my kids is overwhelming.

Even though I've been trying to be good to myself and talk to my husband and Cinzel and exercise and get enough sleep, I think it may be time to make an appointment with the counselor my husband's company assigned to us. I am waiting patiently for the crushing sadness to lift, and while it abates some, especially when I exercise regularly, the rapid return upon Oldest Son's comment tonight stunned me. Maybe I shouldn't say rapid return, because it's still been there. Maybe rapid race of tears to my eyes is better put.

And it's not just his comment, it's a lot of things. One of them being the four-wheeler envy both kids now feel. I lost my sister-in-law on a motorcycle, and I nearly lost my brother. I fear letting either of my kids ride anything like that. Even though we have the perfect place for them to ride, I just cringe at the thought of it. And I know you can't protect your kids from everything, but I will be damned if I won't try.

Mark's mom came over to get him later and, as we chatted for a few minutes, I found myself jealous at her ease of mind. She told me how much he's loving that four-wheeler, and I couldn't see a trace of worry in her eyes. I'm jealous of her state of mind. Sad, isn't it?

I told my husband when he called tonight (bet he's glad he made that call from work!) that my heart just hurts. It hurts from loss and it hurts from fear. That's the best way I can describe it.

Everybody that thinks I'm crazy, raise their hand. I'm waving mine high.


5 comments so far chocolate chaos - 2006-10-18 21:19:23
i dont think youre crazy.. just concerned for your kids. a 4 wheeler is a dangerous thing, and not for 10-year-olds, in my opinion.... bicycles are dangerous enough!
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wannagowest - 2006-10-18 22:09:32
Indeed, four-wheelers are dangerous. I've seen a kid who lost an eye from a four-wheeling accident. Get him a Big Wheel (do they still make those?), add an extra wheel and then he'll have a Big Four-Wheeler! Even better than a regular four-wheeler, right??
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Heather - 2006-10-19 07:35:40
I don't blame you for your worries. Many years ago my husband put up his motorcycle after a friend of ours was in a bad accident (collided with a semi truck). Luckily he lived, and he's mostly okay, but he has brain damage and is just not the same. The fear of losing either/both of my kids torments me. I really don't know how you could live after losing one, I don't know how it would be possible to live with that much anguish.
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Pattypat - 2006-10-19 08:11:12
You've got two things going on here - the first is the sadness/depression. And good for you for taking the steps to deal with that! I usually can't get out of my own way. The second is protecting your kids, and I would NEVER get a four-wheeler for a kid or an adult. They are extremely unstable and dangerous. Bikes/helmets I can deal with, but not a motorized, off-road vehicle. Hang in there - I'm thinking of you.
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Megan - 2006-10-19 09:05:08
Why do people fall for this "gotta let my kid have the latest and the greatest" stuff? It's the same ol'theme that's been going around over 2000 years. Boys LOVE motorized anything and there is and appropriate age for letting them try their wings. In our state, it's 16 and personally I think that's too young. Go with your gut. Don't feel guilty and don't apologize. When you lose a child, you don't get a second chance to re-think what you "allowed" them to do.
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