Heavy thoughts.
2006-03-25
9:31 p.m.
Don't really have much new to say again tonight, but I thought I'd pop in and put up an update of sorts.
In answer to Megan's question, Oldest Son and Youngest Son both were very excited about the bunk beds, and still are. His room looks so cool now, and both of them have been sleeping in there.
Today Cinzel came over and we spent the day catching up on each others' lives, as well as me catching up on all the gossip about our co-workers. Gossip? Us? No, never.
Over a pan of fresh hot turtle brownies, I told Cinzel I had pretty much made the decision to go back to Weight Watchers. I should own stock in Weight Watchers, just to get some of my own money back. But I've been home for three weeks now, and I've not been doing any exercise besides the trek across my den to the kitchen. In fact, I described for Cinzel, I am basically eating all day. Snacking on crackers and chips and sweets until I am so not hungry for dinner, but still I cook it and eat it with my family. I also have a significant hazelnut coffee addiction.
I'm really scaring myself right now. I show no signs of stopping, and could easily see bigger and bigger and bigger numbers on my scales. With three weeks off, you'd think I've have found some time to exercise and try to regain some self-discipline in there, but I haven't. I've taken care of my family, cleaned house, and eaten.
Tonight I laid on the bottom bunk with my Youngest Son doing puzzles. He is four years old and oh so sweet. I looked at him as he grinned at me and giggled and melted my heart just a little bit more, and I thought to myself how blessed I am. Both of my kids are healthy, happy kids, both bright (and we hope one day common sense will kick in, too!). And I wondered to myself, man, what am I doing, letting myself get this heavy????
I told Cinzel today, I am still so angry at my sister-in-law K. She was off doing what she wanted, not taking care of her family and kids, for quite some time before her death. She was more likely to be found out with her friends or at the casino than at home. I'm furious with her because she left behind two beautiful kids and a husband that have had some awful pain to deal with by her choices she was making at the time that ultimately led to her death. An avoidable death. I have not forgiven her to this day.
K has been very much on my mind these last few days. It occurred to me while I was laying on the bed looking at Youngest Son, though, that the choices I am making could quite possibly kill me, leaving my kids behind, just like K's choices killed her. I felt a cold chill come over me. Now, it may be because Oldest Son's room is the coldest room in the house, but I think it was actually the realization that K and I aren't that much different, making bad choices, it's just that I am home, and not out in a casino or a bar.
I've never thought of it in quite that light before, and I have to admit I wonder if K isn't somewhere planting thoughts in my head. A friend of hers' daughter was recently in a serious car accident, but she will be fine. Talking about the friends' daughter has made me have a dream one night about K, and also made me just think a lot about her these last couple days. Coincidence, maybe, but maybe someone is going in a roundabout way trying to get my attention.
All these deep thoughts to say I'm going back to WW this week. The first week is always extremely hard for me. I eat way too much starch and sugar when I am not dieting, and I feel like I have withdrawals from them when I cut them out or down significantly. I fall easily into the trap of, well, I'll start tomorrow, since I haven't done well today, and totally sabotage today. Black or white thinking.
I've started WW 1,000 times, I swear, but I'm hoping 1,001 will be the one that sticks.
Over and out.
5 comments so far chocolate chaos - 2006-03-26 06:55:30
true overeating may kill you, but its not the same as drinking. for one thing, you are home, and have a better relationship with your kids. for another, drinking leads to relationship problems that eating doesnt. and it takes longer to eat yourself to death than drink yourself to death. in life, its a matter of choosing your poison. chocolate is mine.
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Megan - 2006-03-27 10:16:55
Well, at least you're doing some serious thinking about your life and how much your life means to your family... especially your children. In 2000 I found myself at the heaviest I'd ever been in my life. A mamogram scare was what brought me back to reality. Somehow I knew, I just knew, that exercise and a proper diatary life-change might be the key to wellness and long life. So after a physical exam my doctor (a woman, by the way) suggested that I purchase a book called The T-Factor 2000. The book literally changed my life, and I've never looked back. Best of all, I rarely feel hungry because this book is all about changing your eating habits for life, not merely for a period of time. One of the lawyers noticed how much weight I was loosing and asked for my "secret." I loaned her my book and evidently the book changed her life too. I've done Weight Watchers but got tired of counting and weighing. The only thing this book suggests is that you keep a food diary for a week. Believe me, the food diary was an eye-opener. Every single time I start putting on pounds, I start the week-long food diary. It works every time. By the way, the book doesn't want you to ever feel deprived and encourages you to eat, but just smaller portions of your favorites. Now when I visit my favorite restaurants, I automatically ask for them to put half in a to-go box and serve me the rest. I'll climb down off my soap box now. Good luck and good eating.
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Pattypat - 2006-03-27 14:34:59
Hang in there - I'm having the same conversation with myself, but here we are headed in the right direction. I've joined WW so many times, I should use a false name! I'm thinking of you!
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Summer Gale - 2006-03-27 14:47:41
I wish you the best and I'm right there with you trying to lose what I gained when I quit smoking.
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Grizmom - 2006-03-27 15:07:13
We have all made and still make bad choices or decisions. Look at the horrible health related death my Dad suffered! Do you see me me watching myself for high blood pressure and diabetes?? I'm overweight and love love love to lay on the couch with remote in hand - for hours! Yeah, we all do it. But the fact that we recognize it now gives us the opportunity for a change. Something. Anything. Anything is better than nothing. So, with that, let's work up a plan to support and encourage eachother. Even from a distance, I think we can manage it! Just FYI - I took my dogs to the vet on Friday. Poor Sam is a hefty 47.5 lbs. Yeah, only 22-25 lbs overweight. Like his owner. So, with that, I took him for a walk yesterday. He went 1 1/2 blocks before he about dropped. We made it home and he drank a gallon of water and took a nice hefty nap.
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