Let me count the ways...
2006-03-07
10:21 p.m.
For several weeks now I have been in the biggest funk. I have tried very hard to talk myself out of it, and I may even succeed for a day or two, but I keep returning to it. I feel like I get up and strap my ball and chain on and go about my day, dragging all my bitching and cursing, whining and complaining with me.
I can't seem to put my finger on exactly what it is, but I'm going to start listing a few. If you don't feel like reading a long-winded list of my complaints, you won't hurt my feelings at all if you stop right here.
One. My husband. He does not ever plan to help me around this house. And now that he's working nights, he also doesn't plan to do much helping with the kids. I have tried to take extra good care of him, what with all the trouble he's had adjusting to nights, but I also expected some consideration when I was working court terms. I'm not going to get it. Believe me, I've known for at least 12 of our 13 years married that he wasn't going to help around the house, and for the most part I've adjusted to it. There's bigger things to fight about. But right now it's just festering in me, this right to not help he seems to have given himself. He takes care of me in other ways -- I never have to do anything to the vehicles, never have to worry about computer troubles, rarely have to beg to get household repairs done, etc. -- but I'm looking for basic daily consideration. The type that start with, "No, let me do the dishes. You go bead or do something you want to do." That just never happens.
Two. My family. I talk to my oldest brother often. Most of the time I want to, and more than any of my family, he needs lots of close contact. This afternoon, though, he was fussing at me for not calling my mom since Sunday. Sunday, people. Two days ago. He fussed because I have them all scared to call the house now, afraid they'll wake my husband up, and that my mom really wants me to call her every evening. I just can't make that promise. I do talk to my mom often, but by the time I get my kids in bed at night, I want some down time. When I talk to Mom, she lays all of her worries on me, and she's got plenty, and I just start feeling overwhelmed. My mom would be upset with herself if she knew that, and would stop telling me her worries, but then I'd feel worse. So I just keep listening, and I know that's all she wants. I just can't listen every night.
Three. My kids. God knows I love my boys more than anything in life, but egads they are sucking the life out of me. Right now I'm especially feeling that way because my little one has been sick for three days. Actually, he's been sick at night, creating lots of bed linen laundry for me, but a typical into-everything four-year-old during the day, which means I don't get a spare minute. And Oldest Son is so sweet, but I am determined NOT to raise two boys that think they don't have to help around the house, and Oldest Son so doesn't want to play that game. I make both kids help me clean up, but Youngest Son is actually at the age he's willing to help. Oldest Son, Oh My God, I could run a marathon with the amount of energy I expend making him help. It makes me nuts that I have to work so hard at it, but I am DAMN DETERMINED he will help if it means I get nothing done BUT making him help. Which happens a fair amount. I keep telling myself this is for his and his future wife's good, and in the long run this battle will have been worth it. But it is a battle, and I am so tired of it.
Four. My in-laws. Mother-in-law called again today, and this time she wants to know if it's okay to bring both of my husband's other sisters and one of them's three-year-old, too. Oh shit. What can you say? No? I only like you one at a time? MIL also told me that this coming weekend would be better for them than the following weekend, but I did nix that. I told her Hubby had already put in for vacation time for the following weekend, this one wasn't good for us, etc. Dodged that bullet. Hubby was so happy when I talked to him later and told him all three were wanting to come visit the same weekend. And I know how he feels...I am thrilled when all of my family comes to visit at the same time, but I'm so much more comfortable with my mom and brothers than his mom and sisters. Hubby also basically doesn't do a damn thing when my family is coming, so he's not too upset by their visits, either, whereas I feel the need to make my house as perfect as humanly possible so my mother-in-law doesn't feel the need to help me by cleaning for me. And don't even suggest that I tell him he's got to clean it for his family's visit. That just starts a huge fight that is not worth it in the end, because I still end up doing everything.
I always knew I wanted a husband and chidlren and that I'd always work as well. I'm so happy to have them, and I don't know how my brothers get through the days, both losing their wives, but sometimes I just yearn for a few days single again. To those days when I could wake up in my own apartment and no one expected a single thing out of me (on the weekends, anyway).
Even a few days early in my marriage would be most appreciated. We ate out all the time, and I still didn't have the level of daily responsibilities being a parent brings.
I know people without kids get so tired of listening to parents moan and groan about the daily duties and chores. It isn't that we'd trade them for anything, it's just that we wish we'd savored all our free time when we had it.
Tomorrow Cinzel and I are going shopping in a nearby city for the day, but I'm even aggravated about that. I need to get back in time to get Youngest Son from day care so Hubby won't have to break up his sleep to go get him. I want a FULL DAY to shop and come home when I damn well want to. And I might even feel like leaving when we plan to, but I hate feeling like I have to.
Sooo...woe is me, huh? Somehow I always manage to break out of the funk. And usually it's when I go just DO whatever it is I don't want to do. Right now it's several things, and they're there calling my name. The sooner I do them, the sooner my family and I get relief from my mood.
And as far as my in-laws' planned visit, I may as well suck it up and get ready. I always get like this when they're planning to visit, and I always end up having a good time with them. (But not so good that I cry as they back out of the driveway.) I actually have it better now than I used to. For the first ten years of our marriage, we were central to all of these sisters and his mom, and so the holiday meals ended up being at our home. Usually Thanksgiving and Christmas, and often Easter as well. I can't tell you the black moods those brought on. Moving away to South Carolina nipped that in the bud, and now we're still far enough out that it'll be a problem, I think/hope, to always have it here.
Bitching over. The end. Got them out here now, and I'm going to let them go. You believe me, don't you?
Over and out.
7 comments so far chocolate chaos - 2006-03-08 08:08:25
oh i believe you. Man works during the day, and still does nothing around the house. no repairs, no cleaning.. i dont think he even knows how to start the dishwasher! his only jobs are to take out the garbage and clean litter boxes and he crabs about that. if i dont shovel snow off the driveway, it doesnt get done. so you know what? i just leave it. he complains, but he doesnt hate it enough to do it himself.
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Heather - 2006-03-08 09:37:05
Trust me, I understand your complaints completely. Your husband sounds very similiar to mine. While I can name lots of redeeming qualities about him, sometimes I want to throttle him, or maybe just cry when he's not helping in the ways I need him to.
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Pattypat - 2006-03-08 12:31:20
Two words for the boys: Job Chart. I had one growing up, and Andy has one now too - chores he has to do each day. I sat down with him and let him tell me what he likes to do and what he doesn't like to do, so he had some choice. It seems to be working. We keep it on the fridge. Otherwise, I have to just say, husbands can be a rather lazy breed. I've got a good one, but he isn't particularly helpful around the house. And it is a rare occasion that I actually get a home-cooked meal I haven't made myself. Hang in there.
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Summer Gale - 2006-03-08 12:33:51
I never had single, me time. I had a child right out of High School and was married my whole adult lif euntil recently. I miss the relationships so very much but I am also anjoying the lack of responsibility to other people. To balance this all out so you have freedom and still retain yoru family my advice is to create a plausible vacation alone .. err .. I mean business trip .. lol! A few days should do it :)
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Fi - 2006-03-08 18:54:08
If motherhood was a paid position, no-one would apply. The hours are lousy, there is no time off, no holidays, no-one higher up to blame, no meal breaks and no retirement plan. But the benefits are pretty kickarse...when you are not too knackered to appreciate them! I think every mum has been where you are now. I know it doesn't help much but you aren't alone. And (eventually) it does get better. Cheers Fi xxx
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Grizmom - 2006-03-11 21:26:56
PC, I wrote my diary just for you. Well, it's for everyone, but it's dedicated to you; the prettiest cousin I have. I hope your funk isn't hangin on. Love ya!
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skibigsky - 2006-03-13 13:10:44
No kids, but the husband frequently suffers from Helpless Male Syndrome (i.e. he can't do anything, like unload the dishwasher, because he doesn't know where the dishes go.... despite the fact that he's live in this house longer than I have; he can't clean up the messes from the dgos because he doesn't know where the carpet cleaner is....). He's a wonderful guy, but a guy nonetheless, and I think it is a chromosomal thing. Good luck and big hugs to you!
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