Warning: You are entering the funk zone.
2004-08-24
7:35 a.m.
I know it's been forever since I updated, and I don't have a good reason for it. The last day I updated was also the last day I swam. Yup, two weeks with no exercise at all, other than your basic mom duties.
Quite simply, I'm in a funk that I cannot seem to drag myself out of. All around me I see work to do on the house, yard, laundry needs done, etc., but have no motivation to do anything about any of it. Yesterday I was off all day, and I can't point to one concrete thing I did all day. If I'd have known I was going to bum out all day, I should have at least picked up my book and hit the couch. Instead I sat in my office and thought about all the things I needed to do and then read journals instead.
The only thing that's not behind is my work, but given the mood I've been in, I can see how that could quickly change as well.....obviously I'm an all or nothing person.
Grief is the mood flavor of the month, and just between all of you and me, I don't recommend it. Yesterday I worked off and on on a letter to a friend in Texas about my sister-in-laws' accidents. She knew both of my sisters-in-law, and I'm sure she'll wonder why I didn't tell her sooner, but every time I picked up the phone to call her I just didn't have the energy.
Same with my old roommate who lives in Florida. She only knew one of them, but she was my roommate when that brother and sister-in-law moved to our city, so she saw her a fair amount. Again, I should have called her a long time ago, but just couldn't do it.
Most of y'all know I watched my dad die twelve years ago, and how hard that was, but I think this has been harder. I've replayed that time in my life a lot of times recently, and while it's so difficult to see someone you love be so sick, their death is actually a relief compared to what they've been through when they really are ready to go.
Two accidents taking two middle-aged healthy family members in a short time is a shock that makes you doubt a lot of things you trust...like that everyone will still be here next birthday, Christmas, etc.
Today I have jobs both morning and afternoon, so this evening I'm planning to try to make myself swim. It'll probably take my husband pushing me out the door, and promising to take Oldest Son with me so he'll bug me to death if I don't go. If I can just go swim today, maybe I can work back out of this mood one step at a time. Then again I may just head back to bed instead.
What a refreshing entry this is, huh? Bet this makes you all want to go out and have a great day! I haven't been writing because I didn't want to drag this out here. Maybe next time I can write about amusing (or not) things my kids do instead.
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